People living in poverty very grateful for budgeting advice from rich Tory MPs

Parents who’ll now be struggling to feed their children in the school holidays are thankful for the advice dished out by wealthy Tories which is always extremely realistic and not at all patronising.

Conservative MP Simon Williams has been inundated with messages from his poverty-stricken constituents praising him for providing clear instructions on how to spend their money in order to ensure their kids don’t starve.

“They love me,” said Mr Williams. “They initially asked why I voted against the provision of free meals for hungry children, but then I explained that such state support simply isn’t necessary if they budget properly.

“It’s fair to say that I have had a massive impact on their lives – they were so excited they said things like ‘Thanks very fucking much’ – which I believe is how the lower classes express sincere gratitude.”

Here is Mr Williams’ guide to feeding your family on a fiver a week:

1kg rice – £1.50

“I’ve seen those poor people in foreign countries – always eating rice. So it must be cheap and filling, because they don’t starve, do they? Well, maybe a little bit. Anyway, it seems you don’t even need cutlery so that’s another cost-saving!”

4kg dry dog food – £3.50

“Not the expensive meaty stuff, obviously – that’s for pedigrees. But this crunchy meal-substitute is easy to prepare and will probably keep your children alive until they go back to school. And kids love biscuits so they’re basically getting a treat!”

Leaves – free

“I’m not talking about that ghastly rabbit food my wife serves alongside my steak. I’m talking about actual leaves from trees. They’re in plentiful supply at this time of year – and all lovely and golden brown so they don’t even need frying.

“There – that should see you through. You won’t need cleaning products or toiletries because you all like to be filthy anyway, right?

“Now, I’ll be a jolly good sport and won’t even charge you for my consultancy services.

“Only joking! To which grotty little flat should I send my invoice?!”